Barry Crimmins, Political Satirist.

Why not gibberish?

Friday, October 03, 2008

I live in the same country, but on a different planet, than many Americans.

On my planet the atmosphere for public discourse can't be fogged up by expectations-lowering, ref-riding, spin doctors.

On my planet, public speakers with horrendous diction, inane syntax and a dubious relationship with reality can't smugly mug their way past a vast audience as if it were made up of naive parents who really don't want to know that their kid has come home shit-faced on a Saturday night.

On my planet, we don't have to go to Ivy League schools to pronounce the letter "g" at the end of the suffix "i-n-g."

People on my planet aren't impressed by someone who seems incapable of uttering so much as a sentence without at least one phrase harvested from a tee-shirt or bumper sticker. And yeah, that's meant, ya know, as a shout-out ta all ya, there ya go, doin' the blame game, Joe Six Packs and Hockey Moms who band together to say never again.

The jaws of dwellers upon my planet slacken in disbelief when they listen to a vice-presidential candidate tell them that "America is a nation of exceptionalism." You see, even if they felt this were an exceptional nation they would say, "This is an exceptional nation. " But they would quickly begin to doubt it when someone like Sarah Palin moves into posistion 1A as the heir-apparent to George W. Bush.  In other words, an eye gouge followed by a kick in the groin is not cause for celebration around here.

Residents of my planet feel a chill up their spines and sick in the pits of their stomachs when they realize that John McCain, a shell of person, is in all likelihood the Trojan horse in which the R's, as in "Rove," are transporting yet another nincompoop into the Oval Office. This is because on my planet we know that John McCain is a weary old man who will be lucky if his last legs carry him until January 20, 2009, let alone the same date in 2013.

On my planet we know that in Sarah Palin, Republicans have found someone who is actually capable of limboing below Bush when it comes to vapidity, integrity and lucidity. We know that, insane as it may be, this is why she appeals to the Cro-Magnon snake-worshippers who dwell on the dark side of that other planet where many Americans reside.

Denizens of my planet can foresee Palin taking the oath of office to replace an expired John McCain, who she will then canonize. In the process she'll imply that the only way to honor the memory of the man who "gave his last full measure for his nation" will be to be unquestioning devotees to her efforts to "complete John's mission." She will ask,"what would John do?" Among those there to answer will be George W. Bush and the perpetually undead Dick Cheney.

On my planet, if Palin becomes president and extends the rule of the dim and paranoid, mass suicide would become an alternative we'd at least have to consider. Of course this would only apply to those who don't swallow the fatal Flavor-Aid when McCain is elected.

On my planet we expect huge amounts of bullshit from politicians, and Joe Biden didn't disappoint us in that respect last night. People on my planet would have liked it if milquetoastmaster Gwen Iffil asked both candidates tougher questions (the Obama camp has to be jumping for joy that Biden got out of the evening un-tarred by his close association with credit card company goons). We'd have loved it if Ms Iffil asked more follow-ups and occasionally laid down the law by say, telling Palin, "We will be getting to taxes shortly but at the moment I have asked you about health care and so please answer that question." But we knew Iffil was pretty lightweight even before reactionaries did everything but torch a cross on her lawnprior to the debate. We weren't surprised when the PBS host did not respond with noble impudence.

Because we know gibberish when we hear it and read it, people on my planet can't believe that we are being told that Palin did a good job in last night's debate. We're amazed that people are saying she seemed intelligent and in good command of the issues. As refutation we offer several direct quotes from Sarah Palin, a woman who keeps asking us to set politics aside but who richly deserves to be set aside by politics.

Palin's remarks are from the transcript of the debate published in this morning's (gasp!), New York Times. My remarks come from me.

Her first statement of the evening was:

Palin: You know, I think a good barometer here, as we try to figure out has this been a good time or a bad time in America's economy..."

BC: On our planet, we aren't hampered by delusions that the economy might be good.

Palin:  The barometer there, I think, is going to be resounding that our economy is hurting and the federal government has not provided the sound oversight that we need and that we deserve, and we need reform to that end.

BC: The barometer is going to be resounding? This women is Norma Crosby.

Palin: We're tired of the old politics as usual. And that's why, with all due respect, I do respect your years in the U.S. Senate, but I think Americans are craving something new and different and that new energy and that new commitment that's going to come with reform.

I think that's why we need to send the maverick from the Senate and put him in the White House, and I'm happy to join him there.

BC: She talks of a maverick but describes a pinto.

Palin:  I think that the alarm has been heard, though, and there will be that greater oversight, again thanks to John McCain's bipartisan efforts that he was so instrumental in bringing folks together over this past week, even suspending his own campaign to make sure he was putting excessive politics aside and putting the country first.

BC: Ya gotta put your excessive politics aside, ya know, even if it takes suspendin'.

But a bit later she says:

Palin: : ...unless you're pleased with the way the federal government has been running anything lately, I don't think that it's going to be real pleasing for Americans to consider health care being taken over by the feds.

BC:: OK, so Americans understand that Wall St needs strict oversight but our health care system is doing so well that we dare not reform it it all? Like I said, this woman is from another planet.

Palin: : Darn right it was the predator lenders, who tried to talk Americans into thinking that it was smart to buy a $300,000 house if we could only afford a $100,000 house.

BC: Well who could blame them after they just got sold a several trillion dollar war? I mean how can people who own such an expensive war be expected to live in some piece of shit $100,000 house? And it's predatory lenders, you schmo.

Palin:  It's not the American peoples fault that the economy is hurting like it is, but we have an opportunity to learn a heck of a lot of good lessons through this and say never again will we be taken advantage of.

BC: Or we could say, "We will never again allow Wall Street to take advantage of us, when we have a perfectly good healthcare system to do that job."

Palin:  My kids as public school participants right now, it's near and dear to my heart. I'm very, very concerned about where we're going with education and we have got to ramp it up and put more attention in that arena.

BC: I think she's planning some sort of monster truck/intelligent design rally here, but I can't be sure.

Palin:  I come from a house full of school teachers.

BC: Obviously they didn't bring their work home with them.

Palin:  I'm thankful the Constitution would allow a bit more authority given to the vice president if that vice president so chose to exert it in working with the Senate and making sure that we are supportive of the president's policies and making sure too that our president understands what our strengths are.

BC: She's a strict misconstructionist!


Palin: Say it ain't so, Joe, there you go again pointing backwards again. You preferenced your whole comment with the Bush administration. Now doggone it, let's look ahead and tell Americans what we have to plan to do for them in the future.

BC: On my planet, we'd have said he prefaced his comment. But then on my planet we still consider Bush relevant since he's still the president and he is still the fuckhead who will soon be leaving us in the bottom of the massive crater he dug.

• Perrin transcribes history