Michael Heaton
Plain Dealer Columnist

They say this is the biggest shopping day of the year. I have a one-stop shopping suggestion for all your holiday gift-giving needs.
It's a book by Barry Crimmins called "Never Shake Hands With a War Criminal" (Seven Stories Press). It's funny and smart. And humane.

If you're in the half of the country that's against the war in Iraq, I figured this could cheer you up. If you're in the other half, Crimmins said it could wise you up.

The book is a collection of essays, stories and reminiscences that, when pulled together, provide a portrait of one man's path from comedian to political satirist. The title chapter describes, in hilarious fashion, Crimmins' sharing the green room at CNN with Henry Kissinger. Kissinger mistakes Crimmins' loathing of him for awe and respect.

The scene that follows is worth the price of the book.
Crimmins has been an anti-war guy and peace patriot dating back to Vietnam, up through the Iran-Contra scandal, and is now busy lobbing comic grenades of logic, truth and human decency against the current quagmire in Iraq.

In 1995, Crimmins, a staunch advocate of free speech, testified before Congress, ripping America Online for the unfettered proliferation of child-porn trading in its chat rooms. Today, he writes for "The Randi Rhodes Show" on Air America.

He always has reminded me of a cross between Mark Twain and St. Francis of Assisi, with a little of the acid-tongued Ambrose Bierce in the mix. The most moving chapter of Crimmins' book is the one about his father, Philip Owen Crimmins, and how that man's service in the Pacific Theater during World War II weighed heavily and negatively on his post-war life and that of his son's. "That's one of the reasons it's tough for a person to sneak a war past me," Crimmins said over the phone from his home in upstate New York.

"My heart is with veterans. And what goes around comes around. These veterans in Iraq, the lucky ones, will come home. What happened over there will come with them.

If people think the effects of this war on these vets won't cross their paths. Take a random survey of the homeless and find out how many of them are vets. Veterans who were just tossed out after the dirty work was done. War is hell and horrifying. That's why you don't go into one for bogus reasons," he said. Crimmins talked about the recent videotape of the Marine shooting the wounded, unarmed insurgent.

"Chris Matthews said the soldier was 'a bit out of line. Let's wait for the whole story.' The whole story ended for the guy who got shot. And people in the U.S. ask, 'Why do they hate us?' Well, for one, we invade a sovereign nation without provocation and try to force them to accept democracy at the end of a gun barrel. A smoking gun barrel at that," Crimmins said.

We talked about the U.S. transportation unit that refused a mission to drive fuel across enemy territory in unarmored cars. How they may be court-martialed.

"They called it a suicide mission. They knew what they were talking about. If these guys are brought to trial, I would suggest they use the rarely employed 'sanity defense,' " Crimmins said.

Once you get this guy on roll, he's hard to stop. Curtain up, drumroll. Crimmins has a million of them. "They say Tom Ridge is leaving Homeland Security. He got an offer from Crayola he couldn't pass up. Condoleezza Rice is the only White House Cabinet member who will still get flowers on Secretary's Day. In this next term, Bush has surrounded himself with people just like himself, OK like Cheney. It guarantees bad decisions.

"That Condoleezza Rice was W's tutor on global affairs is reason alone why she should be disqualified from her new job," he said.
But Crimmins' favorite line is that this debacle in the Middle East only shows President Bush to be the "corrupt, inept, illegitimate, cowardly leader for what he is. A corrupt, inept" You get the idea.
As for his disappointment regarding the election, he said, "As they lie, we plan."

If you're a true Blue State person, you'll love the book. Buy two and send one to a Red State person. Crimmins said, "If it doesn't enlighten them, at least it will aggravate them."

You want to Support Our Troops? Bring them home.

Merry Christmas. Peace.